My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
