I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
