I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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