Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
