You just made me feel so damn special
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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