Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
