I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
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