About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
