ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
