I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
