I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
