The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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