and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
