Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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