i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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