How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
