If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize