I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize