Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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