i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
