Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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