Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
