well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
