i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
