Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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