I have demons in me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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