If i come over, it means nothing
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
