This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize