I puked a lego.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
