Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
