Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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