8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize