Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
