You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
