I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
