Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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