Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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