Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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