Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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