Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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