Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
