Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
