hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
