I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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