All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
