i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
