So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
