last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
