If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
