Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
