it wasn't lemon gatorade
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
