ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
