I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
