dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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