i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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