i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
