i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize