Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
