Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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