I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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