i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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