The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
